Drown Me
by Masterdramon
Summary: Set immediately after "Alone at Sea." As Jasper slowly drifts to the bottom of the ocean, she reflects on how she came to experience something no Gem ever has...and, perhaps, no Gem ever should. One-shot.


**Drown Me**

 _Disclaimer: In case you haven't figured it out yet, I don't own Steven Universe. All Steven Universe-related characters, settings, etc. are the intellectual property of Cartoon Network Studios and Rebecca Sugar._

[-]

So this is what it feels like.

The idea of "rejection" doesn't exist on Homeworld, never _needed_ to exist on Homeworld, because rejection requires consent. And _that_ isn't a concept Homeworld teaches, either.

The weak are dominated by the strong. That is simply the way.

It's a feeling I know well, by this point. Only recently from _this_ side of things, but…

I was born a Quartz, mighty and strong, subordinate only to the Diamonds and the highest members of their court. I've given a thousand orders to a hundred armies. Those who stood in my way were brought to their knees, until they begged for mercy.

Those who _refused_ were shattered.

And I never gave one moment of it a second thought. Oh, sure, I _enjoyed_ the battles. I _relished_ every Gem I crushed, every measly alien I conquered. On my first tour of duty on this worthless rock, I brought down more of Rose Quartz's followers than I could possibly count.

But then, I returned. And everything changed.

It was _supposed_ to be simple. Capture or eradicate the "Steven" that a Peridot had identified as a threat to the Kindergarten, ensure the Cluster was progressing on schedule, and then _leave._ Just like a thousand other missions I'd led over the centuries.

Instead, I'd been thwarted. Beaten. _Humiliated._

And in the ashes of that humiliation…Malachite was born.

I remember so little, of those first few months. Gems don't breathe, and yet _somehow,_ I was drowning. Constantly, unrelentingly. I could see nothing, hear nothing, _feel_ nothing else.

Nothing…except _her._

Before we fused, Lapis occupied about the same amount of my mind as my destabilizer. She was a tool, useful for what she was, but her loss would mean little to me. I could always find another.

And indeed, on Homeworld, there are _thousands_ of Lapis Lazulis. Thousands of Jaspers, for that matter, even if most are Era Two. But none of them are _her._

None of them are _us._

Every day, every minute, every _second,_ we were together. In body _and_ in mind. She held no secrets from me, and I held none from her.

I shared in all the years of suffering, of agonizing _loneliness,_ that she spent trapped in that mirror. The fury and frustration she felt toward Homeworld for placing her there, and toward the Crystal Gems for keeping her that way. All the hatred she held for _me,_ for cutting short her one chance at freedom.

All of it, every last ounce of emotion she had down to her core, was used to submerge me, all at once. So much pressure my mind felt ready to burst. So much pressure that simply _existing,_ as something separate from it all…became the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.

In the end, there was only one choice. Only one thing I could possibly do, in the face of such overwhelming power.

I gave in.

And it felt _wonderful._

Lapis, I think – in fact, I _know_ – made the same choice, at the same time. Binding me must've been as much of a struggle as _being_ bound. She held out longer than any Gem could've expected, that's for sure. But it was inevitable.

In the end, we wanted the same thing. We wanted revenge. We wanted to rip, and tear, and _hurt._ We wanted to reduce every last thing on this wretched planet to ash and rubble.

And so, for just a little while – for a stretch of time as _glorious_ as it was brief – we _were_ Malachite.

I realized it, then. How utterly, mind-blowingly _wrong_ I'd been.

Homeworld had always taught us that fusion between different kinds of Gems wasn't simply unwise or unsafe, but an _abomination._ A rejection of everything our perfect, flawless society stood for.

But that all a _lie._ And now, I know why.

Malachite wasn't merely the sum of her parts. She was so much _more._ Big, and strong, and _powerful._ Powerful enough to fight a Diamond on even footing. Powerful enough to _win._

It all became obvious in an instant. The Gem caste system, _everything_ about our society, depended on this sort of power _never_ being harnessed. Any two or three random warriors, fused as one, could _easily_ throw it all out of balance.

All it would take is a single dance.

But I didn't care about that. I _still_ don't. All that matters is the experience. The utter _bliss._

I don't expect anyone else to understand. Maybe that shameless combo of a Ruby and Sapphire does, but it's not like I'm in a position to _ask._ Even if I wanted to.

Because _no one_ could understand something like this, unless they'd _lived_ it. Lost themselves in the power. Lost themselves in…what'd she call it? The conversation?

Malachite was the meeting of everything we cared about, everything we _were._ And she was _unstoppable._ As long as we were together, as long as we could agree that this miserable planet deserved _everything_ we could dish out, there was _nothing_ that could stand in our way.

It took a fusion of four Gems to even fight us to a _draw._

I'm not actually sure how long being Malachite, _really_ being Malachite, _truly_ lasted. It could've been a few minutes. The way it felt, it could've been a few _years._

All I know is that when I woke up, I was myself again.

And I was _alone._

To have that feeling – that completeness, that _joy_ – and then to have it ripped away, just like that?

I…had no words. I _have_ no words.

But I knew I had to get it _back._

Tracking her down was nothing short of torture. Every last facet of my Gem _ached_ for her, _needed_ to be one with her again. It was slow, unending _agony_ simply to put one foot before the other, never knowing if I was going in the right direction, all of my movements slowed to a crawl by the enormous pressure of the ocean.

The only consolation, the _one_ thing that kept me going, was that that pressure reminded me of her.

Across those next few weeks, as one day faded into the next and I pushed through one murky expanse after another, I thought of _nothing_ but Lapis. How she'd used me, how she'd unloaded every last ounce of her rage and hate into the corners of my mind, whether I'd been the cause of it or not.

And how much I'd grown to _like_ it.

The pain became pleasure, all the abuse became a blessing, because it came from _her._ I'd never been… _conquered_ before. _Dominated._ Cowed by another's strength, and made to accept how truly _weak_ I was, in comparison.

Malachite was the realization of that. Of how _good_ it felt to be used by another Gem. About how good it felt to use _her_ in turn.

When I finally sensed her, drawn like a magnet to ore, the feeling – the sheer _rush_ – was indescribable. I'm sure she felt it too. How _right_ it was to be near each other again.

That's why I _knew_ she'd say yes.

After all, why _would_ she refuse? She had all the power in Malachite, the final say in everywhere we went and everything we did. Everything we _were._

And she wouldn't even have to fight me for control, this time. I'd surrender it, willingly. If that's what it took to be _that_ powerful again.

I knew it'd be a tough sell. She'd suffered, we'd _both_ suffered, from being fused so long. But we'd gained from it, too – gained _so_ much. Someone looking in from the outside might not've understood.

But _she_ would.

And yet…and yet…

It _has_ to be because of Rose Quartz. There's no other explanation. Even in such a pathetic, dulled-down form, she's _still_ the Gem who convinced _thousands_ to turn against their own kind. Compared to that? Manipulating Lapis would be a cinch.

Rose must've turned her against me, somehow. Made her forget how _good_ it felt to be together. To be one mind and one body, united for _one_ purpose.

To be the most powerful Gem this garbage planet has _ever_ seen.

But I'm not going to quit. I _am_ a Jasper, and in the end, Jaspers _always_ get what we want. Until the moment she accepts me, until I can make her _understand,_ I won't _ever_ stop.

Lapis, if you're listening…if, somehow, you can hear me, from whatever hole you're currently hiding in…

I'm willing to do anything – _anything_ – if it means you'll take me back. I can be _whatever_ you want me to be. Just say the word.

If you want to hurt me again, that's okay. Unload it all; I can take it. I'm used to the pain, now. I _want_ the pain.

If you want me to wipe out every last, disgusting organic on this hideous rock, then I'll do it. _Gladly._ And if you want me to leave them alone…well, it'll sicken me to my core, but I'll do that too.

Kick me, punch me, _use_ me. Throw me to the ground and bind me to you again. Make me remember how it _feels_ to be your plaything. Your punching bag. Your _slave._

I'll be your protector; your partner; your own, personal soldier. Order me around, and I'll obey without question. It's what I'm good at, after all. It's what I was _made_ for.

No matter how sick and twisted the abuse, no matter how much you loathe me…it'll all be worth it, if you just say yes.

So drown me with your power. Drown me with your _mind._ I'm probably the first Gem to know what drowning _feels_ like.

And a thousand years of it are worth one more _second_ as Malachite.

One way or another, Lapis…I _will_ have you back.

I just need to figure out how.


End file.
